confessions of a starlet

2009-12-17T22:40:00.000-08:00

hey everyone,

a while ago i was debating with a friend about the importance of telling the truth ALL the time, and if white lies were ever a neccesary evil.

After this week, I think I've realized how cowardly white lies are, and how horrible they can make you feel when the other person earnestly trusts you without doubt.

I think i'm done with white lies, they're not as harmless as they make out to be.

2009-12-05T06:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday me and a few of my friends went up to seremban for a movie and some time together.

I honestly forgot how it felt to be one of a big group of girls, it hasn't been like that since my high school days. It was lovely, full of spurts of delighted laughter, and barely veiled innuendo, and maybe just enough gossip to keep things interesting.

Also, a major plus, timothy came down to meet the girls, and I was really thrilled that he got along so well with all of them. It felt almost like I was viewing him in a whole new light, and suddenly little things about him that I never fully appreciated kept showing up, like how friendly he was, and how he made an effort to get along with my little sister and my friends, and how chivalrous he was, little things like holding an umbrella not just for me, but for my sister too, or helping all of us open our soda cans, all of it made me realize what a lucky girl i really was, and i felt like I had this awesome thing i just kept wanting to show off to everyone.

I really am so effing lucky.

I wanted to buy octopus sushi, but the fiends didn't stock it that day, which was a sort of damper on the whole thing. Oh well.

My aunt's maid is REALLY starting to get on my nerves, but i will resist the growing urge to bitch about it.

The malls have started playing christmas music, but some how i haven't really caught on the mood yet. Maybe it's too early for that. I got an early christmas present from my parents, lol, so that's one less under the tree this year. I still want a bunny for christmas, but I know it's probably really impractical, considering I'll be living in an apartment next year and not all of em are animal friendly. And bunnies need space.

How is everyone celebrating new year? I have no plans whatsoever and yet i want this one to be special. Ideas, people?

2009-11-29T22:10:00.000-08:00

dear blog, i have neglected you shamefully.

the last time i blogged was just after the exams. Now, fast forward to a week into the holidays. On saturday I went on a roadtrip with my family to thailand.

It was amazing, really, that we were countries so close by, and yet things there were so startlingly different. On holiday in thailand, I did the typically sherene thing, and went grocery shopping. And before you give me a weird look, thailand has TONS of stuff malaysia doesn't stock! I loaded up on limited editions of Hershey's chocolate, wholegrain cereal, and tons of vanilla scented shower gels and lotions. Weirdly enough, vanilla scented anything is really difficult to get in malaysia, even KL. i bought a TRUCKLOAD of stuff- I spent all my thai currency, and my dad had to use his credit card for the rest. Which made me feel a bit like a brat, but also very, very loved.

My dad was pretty disgusted that my the rest of us kept insisting on fast food the whole vacation, he was a lot more keen on sampling the local fare. My mom and sister, however, were more wary of the food, because my entire family besides me is terrified of pork, for reasons I have never been able to really understand.

my mom, looking at her noodle dish: "ew... look at all the pork in there! gross!"

she promptly dumps all the offending pork bits on to my plate.

me: "gee, mom, thanks for all that gross pork"

That, and the admittedly disgusting sight of a fully cooked pig, snout intact and all, scared all of us into eating at fast food outlets. But after eating at a KFC there, I am completely sworn off all local KFCs.They have so much cooler stuff! Like brocolli pie and shrimp doughnuts and skinless roasted, not fried, chicken. I half playfully considered the idea of doing a year abroad in Bangkok or something, much to my parents alarm.

We were supposed to stay longer and move further inland, but there were too many warnings of a huge flood at the border, which would keep us trapped in the country for God knows how long. I wouldn't have minded, really.

After that we went for round two of our shopping spree at Melaka, where I finally got my christmas shopping done. I also discovered a mamak with the BEST chapatis ever made, and i'm missing them painfully as i type this.

On sunday, Timothy came down to Seremban to see me, and honestly, it was the highlight of my week. When i saw him again, my heart did a series of backflips and i felt so happy all of a sudden. When we kissed again it felt so foreign and new and alltogether exhilarating, almost like we were kissing for the first time ever. But i'll spare all of you the details. Holding hands again felt like slipping on a warm, familiar sweater, and if i had it my way, we'd meet up like that every day til college started again. Oh well.

Andrew and Matt are coming to stay for a whole month tomorrow, and camp is in two weeks, and christmas is in three. I love when there are so many things to look forward to. At the risk of ending this blog post very abruptly, I'm about to go look for something to eat.

love you all.

bye

2009-11-18T22:24:00.001-08:00

today was the last day of my exams, and it honestly hasn't quite hit me yet!

Yesterday after the Lit paper i was at McDonalds with carmen and danien and timothy, and i expressed something that had been bothering me for a while.

Maybe it's just me being jaded and tired after the exams, but in the great scheme of things, Lit seemed like such a pretentious subject. We spend our time musing and unravelling things that do not need decoding.

For example. Let's say i write a story. And in that story, my character has a house with a rosebush outside, Why? Because I like rosebushes. Then I die, and twenty years later, my book gets picked for a literary analysis.
Someone will infer that the rosebush was symbolic for beauty. That the thorns on the rosebush reflected the character's guarded personality. That person will probably get top marks and praise for being so perceptive.
NO, i just like rosebushes, OK?

And in comparison to law, which i've also been studying simultaneously, suddenly literature seemed so shallow. We write essays about FICTIONAL characters doing FICTIONAL things in thier FICTIONAL lives, and we're supposed to to analyse things about them that would make no difference to anyone.

I just read an essay where a group of psychologists literally medically diagnosed King Lear.With a recognized illness. KING LEAR, as in Shakespeare's fictional king from the play.

Why would anyone bother when there are real people, relevant issues, and tangible effects? It hit me like a ton of bricks, mind you. I've loved the subject ever since my first taste of it in high school. But it's starting to seem so depressingly shallow, and that drives me crazy. Why do people even bother?
And suddenly law seems so much more appealing. Hard cold facts and causation. Why is it worth pondering over, analysing and comparing? Because it happened. To a real person. With real consequences.
How do we decide if the defendant was guilty? Because of statutes. And precedent. And evidence.
How do we decide if the protagonist is a romantic person? Oh, because the author gave her a freaking rosebush outside her house.

More importantly, does it matter?

Why apply three dimensional qualities to two dimensional characters?

I talked about this to my friends and they seemed very amused. They concluded college had done it's job, I was now officially "law-lified" (NOT my words). And I thought about the colourful, defiant girl who entered this college in January, determined to just get the year over with, and work on somehow convincing everyone I wasn't meant for a law degree, and then enroll in KDU for a journalism degree, like i had always planned to.

I used to scoff at the Law students at college, rolling my eyes at how no one got A's for literature, and yet managed to get them for Law. Little minions, I used to huff. Boring as hell, I bet they don't have a single original creative thought in their heads.

I feel a bit like a heroine in one of those cheap, frivolous romance novels. (NOT that i would actually read that trash, mind you, my old tuition center's waiting lounge, weirdly enough, had a stack of em, and i leafed though a few one afternoon when my mom was an hour late) You know the kind. They resist the guy's charms all the way, hating and cursing him and then inevitably, reluctantly falling head over heels pathetically in love with him. Yuck. But I digress. I was supposed to hate law, and now i find myself slowly falling in love with the subject, where it really isn't all about memorizing, there's so much scope for intelligence and creativity and reason.

This feels like a midlife crisis. God, i'm only eighteen. And I suddenly feel like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet.

2009-11-15T05:13:00.000-08:00

In six days I will be free of you, and your constant weight on my nerves; your disapproval, your orders, your cacophony of nasal simpers and whiny imposings; like an infuriatingly nagging toothache. No more. I will walk away into my future, hopes and dreams and loves, where you can not follow.

In six days I will be in the comfort of my own family, laughing with my little sister, shopping with my mother, playing with my cousins, And that constant weight will be gone.

2009-11-06T21:26:00.000-08:00

the time has come for lazy afternoons, random trips to the mall with tim, and nice dinners afterwards.
exams are finally over!
well, okay fine, not really, I still have 3 literature papers to sit for, but I enjoy those so much that they're practically half the fun.

I have books to read, concepts to explore, camps to attend, christmas cards to make, cousins to play with, theme parks to visit, a possible vacation, and I am so effing excited about the next few months!

I haven't compiled a reading list just yet., but there are a few I just have to read these hols. I'm all open for suggestions, I have stopped reading fiction for so long that I have no idea what the good ones are right now.

I love that these holdidays I'm not pining over an ex, or being miserable in a long distance relationship, but that I have the bestest-guy-in-the-whole-wide-world with me, and we're going to make some awesome memories these next few months. I am SO in love.

Oh, and I want a bunny! I saw one in a petstore two days ago and it was TINY, like it could fit into my palm. And it has the most adorable ears that flopped downwards on either side of it's face, and it was this little white ball of fluffiness when it curled up to sleep. It was the sweetest thing.

Does anybody know what caring for a pet bunny is like? Are they easy to look after? And are bunnies smart?

ps- i have discovered the joys of HL milk. 100 cals per carton, but it tastes gorgeous, all creamy and vanilla-ish. I love discovering things I like that are coincidentally good for me, I'm going through a salmon phase too. I wish the damn fish didn't cost so much, though.

2009-10-27T08:28:00.000-07:00

I feel like there is an element of relief in every exhale now.
Finals aren't over quite yet, but the most challenging papers are all over with, and the rest are just a few trivial ones, simple little hurdles I have to jump over to get home.

Yesterday after the last law paper I went home, had a long cold shower, and then curled up in the dark of an air conditioned room, and slept off all the tension of the past few weeks. Long afternoon showers and naps afterwards are a luxury I have missed for so long now.

After that, timothy took me to Subang for dinner at Asia Cafe.

here I must make a disclaimer first. I do NOT go to Asia Cafe for the cute guys, or for pool, or karaoke, or any of the reason most teenyboppers go there. i know the place has a bad reputation for being associated with the bubblegum teenyboppers that seem to take over 90% of it's space. Any attachment I have to it is strictly nostalgia from my Taylors days. I refuse to be in the same category as the people who go there.

(oh, and they have awesome thin crust pizzas- how did i not know this last year?)

I would love to keep blogging but i have a movie date with the boyfriend, so i'll be back soon, okay?

2009-10-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

Timothy and I went to KLCC to eat waffles against a backdrop of the city skyline.

I'm not a big fan of waffles, but something sprinkled with little melty marshamallows and chocolate and ice cream, and real maple syrup, none of that honey crap, will theoretically, at least, appeal to the best of us waffle haters.

It was pretty nice, but halfway through the gigantic waffle, I dicsovered a solitary little nut.

me: "look, I think it's a nut!"
tim: "yeah, there were supposed to be lots of nuts in here. What a ripoff. *rolls eyes*"
me: "there were suposed to be nuts in here?"
tim: "yeah, on the menu it said "Marshmallow-Nut"
me: "get it? GET IT? ONE NUT. not NUTS."
tim cracks up.

they really take their singulars and plurals seriously, wow.

i wondered what it would be like to walk on the wrong side of the road

2009-10-19T03:59:00.000-07:00

i took a stroll, and it was overrated.

rebellion obviously isn't my thing.

dear you

2009-10-18T06:06:00.000-07:00

come on, get off my mind already, you're staying a lot longer than you really should, you know? =)

and we went shopping, too.

2009-10-13T20:05:00.000-07:00

my mom bought me the most bee-you-ti-ful Crocs sneakers- (I think original Crocs make people's feet look like Barney's.)
but Crocs sneakers are entirely different. They are rough-hewn and wholesome and comfy.
I love sneakers. I know other girls my age are getting excited over feminine, pretty heels, but if I had it my way, i'd wear sneakers to work, to my wedding and til i'm eighty.

My little sister has already graduated to girly shoes, shame on me.

Get a load of these beauties. They are insanely light and so comfortable I'd purr if I could.

I also found the cutest little pins for TWO BUCKS a piece. And i've never seen anything like them in KL, I mean i've seen charms and stuff for bracelets that are tiny and five bucks a piece and not as adorable as these things.I'm not sure what I'd do with them yet, but i was thinking of maybe pinning them on to a plain black backpack or a cap or something. I'd appreciate ideas, guys!

i like the ice cream, see the chocolate and vanilla detail inside?

My mom said in mock outrage when I showed them to her "Sherene, you are a LAW student! You have to be boring!" but she laughed and had fun picking em out with me. Which one's your favourite? The guy gave me a free one, so I got all these for just ten bucks.

yes, i am a pathetic excuse for an eighteen year old adult. I get it. *ducks a slew of rotten eggs and tomatoes*

love you guys, i'll blog soon, kay.

2009-10-13T19:32:00.000-07:00

it is SO good to be home.

I didn't fully appreciate what home felt like or looked like or even smelt like, much less did i fully appreciate the people in it. And now I do.

I don't believe in vibes or energies or things like those but you know, when I am home, even if it's just me alone at home (like right now) I get the loveliest feeling of being safe and protected and just loved. I never really understood the word "sanctuary" first hand up to now.

I feel safe, no one peering over my shoulder, or imposing themselves on me when all i want to do is sit and read quietly. My family, thankfully, has an unwritten rule that is someone is reading, or online or listening to music or just having "alone" time, we generally leave them alone. No one to overrule any decision I make, whether it's to study earlier or later or when to sleep (yes, I AM eighteen). No one to make me feel inferior. No one to judge me. Even my kitchen makes me happy, clean and sunshine drenched and completely devoid of icky cat litter smells. Hell, even the cats love me in this house, none of my cats would ever scratch me or bite me.

More than anything else, I think I'm just enjoying this feeling of being a first class citizen in my own house. Where my opinion is equally important, and everyone loves me because they just do, not because of ulterior motives or functions or my "usefulness". Not that I'm implying anybody but my family should have to love me unconditionally, it's just that I don't like being my abilities being used or exploited.

When I "love" in this house, I mean the right kind of love, not the paranoid, cloying kind of love for someone at the expense of other people. the Bible was really on to something when they said

"Love is always patient and kind; love is never boastful or conceited, it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and is not resentful"

We love quietly, we don't say it very often but it's in the way my sister and I laugh at jokes only we'd understand, or my mom holding my hand when we go shopping for groceries to make my favourite food for lunch tomorrow.When my dad used to offer pre-exam advice I used to roll my eyes, back in the SPM days. Last night he earnestly reminded me to get some studying done in the next few days and even though I didn't really need a reminder, I saw the affection behind it this time, and I wish I never missed it.

I wish I could stay a little longer.

Disclaimer. Despite what this may look like, this post has nothing to do with benezettes, the people i'm officially living with, they have been nothing short of warm, awesome and loving. And dear boyfriend, nothing I say here is about you either. *hugs* I'm sorry to people who will read this and understand be offended, but it's something I have needed to get out of my system for months now. I have been as subtle and vague as I can manage to be without hiding how I feel.

one down.

2009-10-12T11:03:00.000-07:00

it's been a while, but my first paper (law) was such a comforting one that i decided to take a break and blog a bit, i deserve it. I'm feeling so much better after this paper.

Just before the paper, me, Carmen, Tim and my law lecturer Mr Siva went to a kopitiam near our college to get our minds off the exam looming ahead. I always knew my lecturer was a smart guy, but I cannot believe I have gone a whole year in his class without ever finding out how intellectual he is.He somehow slyly diverted our attention away from our paranoid last minute cramming and towards something completely unrelated. The four of us debated evolution and the existence of God, and the Big Bang theory, and the universe and Penrose and Aristotle and stuff . I love that my boyfriend has the intellectual capacity to enjoy debates like those too. Still, I was stunned at just how much Mr Siva knew, though.
I'm waiting for after finals to borrow Sophie's World, from Carmen, (I know better than to trust myself with a good non academic book in the middle of exams!)
Also, I suddenly missed Deeds so much just then, I can imagine how much she would have loved sharing and debating and thinking with us.

After finals, I am going to spend all that unspent allowance on good books. *sighs contentedly*. I can't think of any other way I'd rather spend it.

RANT- don't read if you have better things to do- oh, and today would have been near-perfect if it wasn't for a certain wingeing, nagging, crass, demanding person. I am so disgusted that people like these still exist. I'd like to hurl you off a cliff, but I am a bigger person than you will ever be, so I will refrain from wasting more blog space than is necessary on you.

2009-10-01T01:58:00.000-07:00

no more facebook, no more slacking off, no more excuses.

i'm made of better stuff than this.

see everyone online again after exams, then, and wish me luck.

2009-10-01T01:50:00.000-07:00

two months before the exam:

motivation= sky high

study hours= all day, wake up early, sleep late at night

focus = peaked

optimism = right there

12 days before the exam

motivation = almost non existent

study hours = pathetic

focus = *fidgets*

optimism = none.

this is inconvenient, damnit, where the fuck's my determination and drive gone to?

2009-09-29T02:40:00.000-07:00

i feel like a blanket of grey has been swathed around every reason to be happy and I don't understand this, or why I'm tense and sad all day for no apparent reason.

2009-09-14T23:53:00.001-07:00

oh.

*sad face*

even ibiza's forgotten about the music... there seems to be more sex than actual music now.

well, i guess there's always the UK... all the best DJs are from the U.K, anyhow.

Before I turn twenty five, I MUST go to the UK and get into the Ministry of Sound club, just one night and i'll die happy, i swear.

I read Ian Mc Ewan's Atonement last week, I havent read good fiction in so long that suddenly I remembered what I've been missing out on. It's one of my favourites now.

But oh, I really should stop reading fiction and focus a little more on the law books.

*hits myself on the head with a book*

2009-09-14T04:18:00.000-07:00

today i had a ton of soda and chips

yes, me.

calorie free soda, and fat-free light Pringles, to be exact. Tim took me to this AWESOME grocery store in Ampang which is sort of like Cold Storage, with lots of imported foods, only much more low key, and with MUCH more variety.

Light versions of every food brand I like, like Pringles, and Post Cereals, and Lean Cuisine, 100 calorie packs, and Jack Daniel's infused mustard. The coolest condiments and a whole cereal aisle. I love cereal. And it's only five minutes away from Tim's place.

It's funny and um, pathetic how finding a cool grocery store can keep me excited all week.

another first

2009-09-11T06:48:00.000-07:00

and just when you think, after seven months, the sparks sort of settle down, he surprises me again.

Yesterday, he met me, quite flustered, in a street near our college.

"You weren't supposed to wait here!" he protested indignantly, but he was smiling. I peered into the plastic bag he was carrying despite his best efforts to conceal it. A bouquet. Creamy white roses and adorable little daisies and little purple flowers.

"I was supposed to give them to you in a much cooler way, but you showed up here."

No one has ever given me flowers before. I've always said they're an extravagance and scoffed at them, but I have always looked quite enviously upon the lucky girls in my school who get them, and how they always display them so prominently on their desks so everyone else can admire them/drown in jealousy.

It wasn't a birthday or anniversary or anything. He just got them for me just cause he thought they'd cheer me up. And he even remembered to get white roses, because I mentioned once how cliche red roses are and how I love how pure and elegant white roses look. They looked so pretty with the daisies.

I felt like such a princess. I felt so freaking spoilt. I wonder if every girl feels that way about her first bouquet. Sure it was extravagant, but here was someone who thought I was worth the splurging on. I carried them around everywhere with this huge grin on my face that made my cheeks hurt. I wanted to tell every random stranger who looked at my flowers, "Look, my boyfriend got me these, isn't he awesome?'

Then today, for no apparent reason, he picked me up and swung me around and around while I giggled and protested, until we both got dizzy. The last time someone did that for me, I must have been three years old.

I feel so very loved. And the sparks don't look like they're settling any time soon.

2009-09-07T04:49:00.000-07:00

there is no point in fasting, if you're going to be rude and inconsiderate and self righteous about it. hypocrisy and God will never ever go together

2009-08-31T06:11:00.000-07:00

Five days of normalcy.

Five days to have exactly what I want... and exactly how much, where there are no rations or self imposed restrictions, and the forbidden fruit is suddenly all mine for a big juicy bite. Where numbers, once meticulously counted, seemed to have almost no significance. A blatant disregard for the rules.

I should have had the time of my life, but honestly, I am so glad it's over, and I'd like to just run headlong back into safe rules and restrictions and oddly enough, the comfort of staring longingly at the forbidden fruit on a far away tree.

2009-08-30T00:30:00.000-07:00

I was going to blog a nice, cliche post on how much i love this country but so many others have already written good ones. I think it's all been said already.

tonight i am going to go watch the fireworks, yay.

You big, beautiful gorgeous melting pot of culture and quirk and weird fruits, I love you, malaysia. Thank you for having the climate to support mangosteens.

2009-08-29T04:32:00.000-07:00

dear-racist-popiah-seller-at-the-ramadhan-bazaar-at-wangsa-maju

I forgive you for being a racist jerk and for completely ignoring us while we were standing in front of your stall and were the only people there. I forgive you for having your face pursed up in a scowl displeasure at me, while you remained quite cheerful to people from the same race as you. Perhaps you will burn in hell/be reincarnated into a slug/fall off a cliff someday. In the meantime, please stay alive, at least right up to the end of Ramadhan, and keep making that gorgeous, sweet-meaty-crunchy popiah you make. For this noble contribution to my life, I forgive you for all your racist inclinations and would like to be your best friend as long as you keep making popiah. We don't even have to talk if you are too racist for that. Our relationship is too deep for superficial small talk. Just give me your popiah.

hugs and (*shudders*) kisses,

sherene

2009-08-22T01:54:00.000-07:00

i cannot believe it has been seven months today.

time has a way of sneakily speeding up when you're not looking, doesn't it?.

Thank you for making me giggle, and for watching classics with me, and buying me yogurt, and for remembering that I hate being tickled, and for saving me from your evil cat.

You've become my best friend too. I love you.

2009-08-20T07:51:00.000-07:00

today it hit me like a sack of wet cement, i cannot just sit around complaining about my consequences and the chances i've missed.

people are making things happen, people are living their dreams right now, while i've spent all year sitting and bitching about how law school is getting in the way blah blah blah.

my best friend didn't complain, he sucked it up, went to college, saved up for equiptment while at college, and now he's slowly but definitely getting recognition, playing gigs at places, rubbing shoulders with the big cats in the industry, he's still in college, but he didn't let that get in the way. (cause you rock, muizz *hugs*)

my roommate at writer's camp when i was fourteen wasn't a particularly impressive writer if i remember correctly. Last month I saw her name as the author of an article in a magazine that I would have done anything to have worked with. I all but drowned in frustration and jealousy.

My friend from college is starring in a play soon. I have wanted to act for God knows how long and I keep saying if I just wasn't so busy with college, I would take the initiative. He, on the other hand, actually did take the initiative.

I refuse to be a victim of consequence anymore.