admitting you're wrong is never easy, but today it's inevitable, and possibly the best thing i've done in a very long time.

after raging out at God, demanding to know where He had been all this while, in the hardest phases of my life, why wouldn't He just love me back?
I used to say this openly, out loud, to anyone who'd tell me otherwise. It wasn't just to argue back, it was more me hoping, knowing God would hear it, it was me asking Him to prove me wrong.

right now i know this, and i hope i'll always know this, i was wrong, and i am loved, more than i could have ever imagined.

nothing beats this feeling.

sometimes my own ideas creep me out

She was on the swings, at the playground.

The little girl swung with all her might, pushing her swing higher and higher, her feet flexed, her cheeks flushed with the effort. Her skirt flared out around her knees. She kicked her feet up again, tilting her head back, her fingers tightly wound around the chains that suspended her, like a pendulum.

fuck, no.. the rest of this story is entirely too disturbing for me to post where you guys can see it... it started out as a half hearted attempt at fiction, and ended up being one of the best things i've written, and yet most disturbing thing i've read in a while.
i half want to delete it. half want to show it off to everyone.

opinions, anyone?

sometimes the most innocent sounding, epic, songs have the most disturbing videos, case in point, Alkaline Trio's Burn.

Sigh, i'm quite in love with their music,, i think they're very, very talented, but knowing that thier songs are composed and written by a satanist is not the most comforting thing.

It makes you wonder what those lyrics really mean, and if i should be listening to them at all.

last night we boarded the ktm, giggling and in little black cocktail dresses, attracting disapproving looks from everyone else for a swanky dinner thingy, and then today, we laughed and laughed and laughed over a steamboat dinner which was really, quite fun.

all this while i keep thinking about how much fun i'm having without ana and ed, and yet, how there's always that residual guilt that they'e not as close as they should be.

my mom and i were shopping a while ago, for my dad, and my mom picked up this navy blue sweater off the racks, and held it up for my approval... "I think he would look so gorgeous in this.. " and then she smiled to herself and lightly touched the sweater sleeve.

i don't know which one made me happier, the fact that i saw my mom smiling dreamily like a schoolgirl over my dad, reminding me of how close they used to be...

or the fact that it's a sort of answer to a question i've been wondering about, if couples ever get bored of each other or if the attraction fades after years... if people can still keep the flames, the chemistry, the tingly feelings.

this made my day

tagged, *sticks out tongue at sasha*

ten random things about the person that tagged you



1. she has the most amazing voice, when she sings, i shut up and listen.

2. sasha likes coconuts.... a lot

3. she has two beautiful dogs, much to the horror of her religious neighbours and agama teacher at school

4. we do screamo-headbang versions of songs we don't like, like Bubbly (oooh, we massacred it)

5. she does spot-on impersonations of chinese/malay/indian accents that have the entire table laughing, i make her do it all the time when i feel like showing her off

6. the first time i met her was on a dancefloor, she was wearing this cool outfit with a tie and she was dancing with heather

7. she throws awesome sleepovers, the kind we all look forward to all week

8. we have the same blue Care-Bear teddy, hers looks newer, though

9. she's quite an adept flirt when she wants to be, keep a rein on your hearts, boys.

10. she has the most adorable gurgle of a laugh.


and because there WAS no rule about not tagging the person who tagged you, i insist.

1. sasha (payback, lmao)
2. roisin (i miss you)
3. timothy (cause you neeeeed to update your blog, b)
4. shayne (cause i love bullying you, dearie)
5. tharani (simply because i hate the idea of us inevitably losing touch)

today, for the millionth time, i think, i thought to myself, "i love him"
and i really do, this time...
i wanted to blog about it but every time i type something, i hit the backspace key and clear it thinking, "no, wait, that's... not quite what i mean.. "
how many of you can actually put that feeling into words, anyway?