fault lines.

a letdown, on more levels than one
i'm sorry that we couldn't have seen each other today, but is that really my fault? i miss you.
i'm sorry, sanjay, that i broke my promise to you about my "dangerous" late night commutes, AGAIN, but i'm okay, i'm intact, alive, safe. , and that overrules my fault, don't be mad....
i'm sorry i couldn't have come for YF this weekend, darryl... this is not my fault, i promise, but you understand, thank you.
i'm sorry that i had to lie, mommy, but you would have flipped if i told you the truth, and, that's more your fault than mine
i'm sorry, soon ket, and sam, that i dragged you all over the puzzling roads and made you ask for directions tonight... this was probably our fault collectively, thank God we could still laugh about it.

today, i decided to

turn down a few invitations by friends to go out
shower, get dressed and then crawl back under the sheets
spend the day online
blog obssesively and read some pretty amazing blogs
watch stuff on Youtube
browse through some of my regular, favorite websites
re-read White Oleander, a favourite book.
listen to every single song saved on my laptop and marvelling at how much my music taste has evolved over a year
have a nice long chat with a very dear friend online
talk about random, unrelated things on the phone with muizz
write in my journal and muse over my thoughts ( a lil too much)
in entirety, just being lazy...

after a week of almost non-stop shopping and clubbing and going out.. i neeeeded this.

(not quite) a coincidence...

I looked across the dancefloor, past the bright lights, over the melee of clubbers, despite the pulsating, distracting beats, until my eyes settled on you, on the other side of the room. And it threw me to realize, damn.. you were looking right back at me too.

some things are best left unrecorded, unsaid, secret.
this is one of them
but, oh... it replays, in my mind, over and over again, and I smile.
it's not what good girls do, but still...

ouch

i just walked home from sentral after a very long day at midvalley, and college, before that.

1) my legs are tired
2) my shoulders ache
3) my head is pounding (flu symptoms, *sniffles*)
4) my heart is quite, quite hurt.

and because of this, i cancelled on the following plans

1) drinks with sanjay in one of the cooler places in kl
2) times square and a movie, with christopher and his friends
3) yum cha with a few of my college friends, post Econs class.

and so, in my attempt to recover, i want

1) a nice hot shower
2) something cool and soft and comfy to wear
3) my ladybug blanket
4) getting into bed with the love of my life, my laptop

and hopefully, this'll soothe away the aches and pains and hurts of today.

like time travel, but better.

as much as i ranted and huffed and puffed about going for YF on Saturday, I finally did last week.

(NOT on a voluntary basis, i should add... june and darryl are so effing persistent)



Back when i was thirteen and impressionable, YF was the highlight of my week. It was the best thing ever, a group of friends who were closer to me the friends i hung out with in school. We were constantly working on projects, organizing plays and camps and picnics and music practice, Late night iced Milo and mee goreng at ridiculously far-away mamaks we'd beg our pastor to drive us to. I remember how it was probably the only time in my life, that stage, that I fully trusted in God.

And then things got complicated... new people took over... the committee elections and the misuse of power and suddenly, how a place that used to be my haven, my escape from how fucked up everything else was, just became another place where pretentious people battled it up the social hierachy. And then there was school, and exams and less time. And growing up, and falling in love with him, things that slowly but surely showed me that I had better ways to spend my weekend, than at church with those people. And after a few missed meetings, i realized I didn't really want to go back there.

and yet, 3 years later, last saturday, i did.

It felt so weird to be pushing open that familiar sliding door again, and suddenly i realized I was

1) late

2) not quite dressed for church. (I had to rush there after a day out with my friends, no time to change)

and so i was planning to just sneak in quietly and sit at the back, but nope, darryl saw me and let out a low whistle.

"look, everyone.... look who finally decided to show up after 3 years! everyone, clap for sherene!"

but he stuck his tounge out and grinned, so i knew he was teasing.


It was just so good see June and Yvonne and Danielle there, along with Christopher, huddled together by the stage, just like old times. Little Clement and Timothy (not that Timothy, btw) weren't twelve or little anymore, they're all grown up and with deeper voices and a towering height i don't remember. A few new faces, well, technically, I'm new, not them, so they stared curiously at me, as i scooted my chair closer to friends I hadn't seen since i was much, much younger.

I felt kinda like I was home, after a really long vacation.

it upsets me sometimes how fucking patronizing people can be...