"please just tell me, how can i fix this?"
"it's beyond fixing"

how the hell did i let things get so fucked up that they got beyond fixing?
oh... i'm such a fucking failure it's slightly funny that i keep trying.
don't leave don't leave don't leave.

you walked, no, ran out and i knew better than to chase after you, i was terrified you'd shake me off abruptly and that i wouldn't be able to handle the coldness.
you remind me of my dad and the affection i wait for, resolutely, even when i'm quite sure i won't recieve any.
i wait because i cannot walk away, i am bound by the fact that i didn't want us to be over yet, and by a love i did not realize the strength of.
i wait.
the eating disorder, the scary side of my mom's temper, my dad's surgery, my sister's mockery and the shame they inflict, the snide remarks and carelessly flung gossip, overwhelming, shockingly cold raindrops in a thunderstorm.
i am cold and shivering and angry and scared, mostly scared.
i look bewilderedly around, arms flailing, eyes searching
won't you come?
you won't come.
and still, i'll wait, not because i want to, but because i cannot bear the alternative.

i said i wouldn't blog about stuff that hurts but today is the exception.

my resolve breaks
i said no more crying, i know, i know.
and oh, i said i wouldn't beg, i know.... and i said i wouldn't pine, and i decided to cut my losses and put my head down and sprint.
but.
my limbs are shackled down and my eyes are fixed on what's behind me.
i loved you.
i love you.
i love you.
i fucking love you.
you know, when you say a word over and over really fast, it's like the word kinda loses it's meaning?
how many times do you repeat something before it seems to lose it's meaning, again?
will someone please tell me, because it means more, the magnitude intensifies every time, with me.
oh just let me cry this one out again.

oh
my god.
my mom made these gooey coconut chocolate fudge squares.
they're still warm.
when did my undomestic mother turn into Nigella anyway?
i am listening to TI and salivating (the kitchen isn't too far from here, see). Generally i detest RnB but this one track kinda reminds me of Lollipop, lol.
there have been so many major changes in my life lately that i don't know where to start.
blogging about it, i realize, would make it real.
and right now i have two gorgeous days where i can just float and not deal with consequences just yet, there's enough distraction here.
will update after the two days are up.

and now... for a lil while, what i want is a "TI" kinda love, haha... i want to be spoiled rotten, so step right up!

but i need you.
oh, wait, you don't need me.